S2 E8 Whispers of Regret: Women Finding Peace in Silence

THIS EPISODE INCLUDES LANGUAGE AND CONTENT THAT'S MARKED AS EXPLICIT. LISTENER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

In this episode of Growing Older Together, Lourdes introduces a new recurring series, Whispers of Regret: Women Finding Peace in Silence. This series provides a welcoming, private space for women to share personal stories and explore the hidden regrets they may have carried for years. Lourdes’s guest today is Lilia, a resilient woman who has learned to prioritize her own well-being and embrace life fully despite physical limitations. Together, they discuss Lilia’s journey to reconnect with herself, her daily approach to living on her terms, and courage in sharing her story.

As a special look ahead, Lourdes also previews the next episode, Quiet Strength: The Power of Introverts, which will explore how introverts find energy in solitude and make a unique impact in the world around them.

RESOURCES MENTIONED

Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), https://adaa.org/find-help-for/women/anxiety

American Psychological Associatoin (APA), https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/women-stress

CONTACT INFORMATION:
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You can also email me at podcast@lourdesdirden.com. Thank you for listening.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Music

[00:00:19] Welcome back everyone. Just a quick note before we start. Today's episode may have some strong language that may not be suitable for everyone. I want to provide a space for authentic storytelling, and this means our guests share in the way they feel most comfortable. This episode and future interviews are marked as explicit, so please listen with that in mind. 

[00:00:49] Whether you're a returning listener or tuning in for the first time, I'm Lourdes, and this is Season Two of Growing Older Together. I'm so [00:01:00] glad you've joined me as we begin a new recurring series, Whispers of Regret: Women Finding Peace in Silence. This is a welcoming space for women to open up about stories they may have kept to themselves for years. Here, they can share how ever they're comfortable using their name or stay in private and talk about the moments that has shaped who they are. It's a safe place where they can speak freely without needing to be on camera, sharing as much or as little as they like. 

[00:01:43] In this series, we'll meet women who have each faced their own kind of regret. Or for some, those nasty nagging thoughts that keep them up at night. [00:02:00] Each story gives us a small window into how they found peace and healing along the way. 

[00:02:09] As Brené Brown reminds us, "Owning our story can be tough, but not nearly as tough as spending our lives running from it." Inspired by this, we come together to listen, learn, and celebrate the courage behind these journeys. Today's guest is Lilia, a courageous woman whose personal fears held her back as she put others' needs before her own. These days, even as she uses a walker, Lilia has found new ways to care for herself mentally and emotionally, refusing to let her physical limitations define [00:03:00] her spirit. We'll talk with Lilia about her journey to reconnect with who she is, her approach to daily life, and her commitment to enjoy life on her terms. I hope that as we begin this series, you find inspiration and perhaps even connections to your own journey. Did you know that nearly 60% of women report struggling with silent fears and regrets that affect their daily lives? Today, we're opening up a conversation to bring these experiences into the open. While the exact numbers vary across studies, research from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and the American [00:04:00] Psychological Association shows that many women carry these inner struggles. I'll be adding links to these studies in the show notes. 

[00:04:11] I recently had a chance to sit down with Lilia to record this conversation, and I'm excited to share it with you now.

[00:04:20] Lilia, welcome to the show. And thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You shared something very personal that you had not shared with anyone else, not even your family. So my question to you, Lilia, is when did this start? 

[00:04:40] What happened, Lilia? Well, the first thing was because when I started. I was prone to falling, but I never told anybody that I was falling. But the first time I fell was when I was with my,, daughter on my grandson's, uh, baptism. That's the first day I fell. You said something interesting. You said prone to [00:05:00] falling.

[00:05:00] What do you mean by that? Cause I fell once before here where I'm staying, and then I didn't think nothing of it. But then I actually fall, fallen, and actually in the middle of the street, going to my grandson's, baptism. That's when I kind of thought, okay, Lilia, something's wrong. But I didn't think of nothing.

[00:05:18] Okay, my daughter just helped me up and I was good. My knee was bothering me, but I just kept it quiet. I go, you know what, you're good. I didn't think much about it. When you say quiet, Lilia,, is there a reason why you would just not say anything? Keep it quiet. What were you thinking? No, just because I mean, I go, that's something I need to handle.

[00:05:35] Maybe it's something I need to do, but I just didn't think about it. Just like threw it back against my head. I didn't think much of it. So there goes another day. I go, "I won't worry about it now." That was it. I mean, I didn't, like I said, I didn't think much about it. When you're saying you're not thinking much about it, as if it wasn't important?

[00:05:52] Important, no. Not really, no, because I didn't think nothing cause I already fell once. Okay, I'm falling again. It just stuck in my head, why am I [00:06:00] falling? But then again, that day when I fell in front of my daughter, I was like, okay, whatever. I didn't think much of it. I didn't think twice, I go, I gotta go see a doctor.

[00:06:07] Nope, I didn't think none of that. Now, when the word, what's interesting for me is that, prone to falling, so prior to this incident with the baptism with your grandson, Hector, did something happen prior to that? I fell here once. When you say here, you mean? That's where I'm living, you know, my bedroom here, where I'm staying.

[00:06:28] Okay. Yeah. And that was like, and I got myself up, took me about a couple minutes, but I go, "I'm having a hell of a time getting up." And that's when it actually basically started. The second fall, again, going to my grandson's baptism. Okay. And so, the first, first time when you said in your bedroom, that's when the first time you fell? How long ago was that?

[00:06:48] Um, five years ago. Five years ago. At least, yeah. And then after, so that was the first time. Yeah. How long after that when the second incident? Uh, it must have [00:07:00] been about a month later cause my daughter was pregnant with my granddaughter Adelyn. But again, that's the second time when I've fallen when I was at my grandsons baptism.

[00:07:07] In the street. Okay, you fell in the street. This is the second time. Second time. The first time you fell in the bedroom. Yeah. That was the first time. Exactly. Which I just tripped and I go, I couldn't get up. I mean, it took me a while to get up, but I just had to hold on and I go, something's wrong with my knee, but I go, whatever.

[00:07:21] I didn't think much of it again. Then the second time was at the baptism. Actual, yep. And then so the third time would be, you said Adelyn. I've fallen a couple of times. The first time is here. Second time was with my grandson's baptism. And then I'd fallen again going to work. I fell outside. So I'm thinking I'm prone to fall.

[00:07:43] I'm falling, you know. But anyway, so that day, it was my daughter, Annette was going to have her baby that day, which was December 31st. No, December 30th, cause she was going to have the baby the next day. So I fell, I was going to go to her house that day to watch my grandson Andrew, so that day I fell [00:08:00] again.

[00:08:00] It was so bad that I went to the emergency, I mean on my own, I didn't tell nobody, I got out of work early and I went by myself to the emergency, and that's when the doctor told me, well, something's wrong with your knee, you got to be careful, that's when everything started going to the doctors, and

[00:08:12] follow up with your or whatever you call it. So this is the third incident. So the first one when you keep saying here I just want to clarify for the audience. You're talking about your bedroom. Exactly. And then the second time would be the baptism Yep, and then the third time was at work and on that one... I had cause if my knee hurted that bad and it was, you know, it was like that bad. I couldn't even take it at work.

[00:08:33] What's wrong with me? I was even limping. I couldn't even really walk to my desk That's how bad it was.. I better just go see a doctor. So I went that day. That's when everything started So, In the question when I said, what was the toughest moment you had to face. What would you say that would be? The toughest moment?

[00:08:49] Is once I followed up with my doctor. No, I'm lying. The toughest moment is when I fell again here. That's when the ambulance came. Was that the first time? No, that was like maybe the [00:09:00] fourth time I'd fallen. Okay, the fourth time. So, when you say here again, just want to clear it up for the audience. We're talking about your bedroom.

[00:09:06] Here, yeah, exactly. Okay, fine. So, the question again was when was the toughest moment you had to face and your response is, again, the bedroom. And that would have been the fourth? At least the fourth time. When I couldn't actually get up and then my brother Ernie is the one that had the ambulance to help me cause I couldn't get up at all.

[00:09:23] He couldn't even help me cause I didn't want him to help me because I think I'd get hurt more. So this is when it was the toughest moment you had to face. Yep. Now you're going to the emergency. Yep. Was there a moment, Lilia, when you realize things had to change? I can't keep doing this to myself as far as telling anyone, uh, what was going on because what I'm understanding, and please correct me, the first time it happens, you say nothing.

[00:09:53] The second time it happens in front of others, they saw you, correct? Yeah. But you just kind of played it off. And then, [00:10:00] now you're at work, by yourself, and then, now you're thinking, okay, this is a little serious now. But it wasn't until the fourth time when you fell, and now you can't get up. Your brother is unable to help you, and now the emergency.

[00:10:13] And that was the toughest, but there was a moment that you realized, I gotta change this. Something's got to give. That's when I was, I was sent to a home after I had rehabilitation at the hospital. When I got to the nursing home, that's when I say, what am I doing here? But this is after the first day, you know, I see people through the hallways, the nurses, this and that.

[00:10:32] I go, what am I doing here? I was by myself in the room. I'm going, hmm. I go, you need to get your ass up. But not till I started getting therapy. I go, you know what? I'm going through this. I'm not going to let no one push me. I can't be here. I cannot be here because I was there for Christmas and New Year's.

[00:10:48] I go, oh, hell no. So that's when I go, you need to get the hell up and go through your therapy and get out of here. This is, and this is to obviously yourself. Yeah, exactly. Because when you're, at that point, you said that you [00:11:00] went to a rehabilitation. Was this after the emergency or... after the emergency. So after you go to the emergency, and this is like the fourth time.

[00:11:08] Yeah. And now there's people aware. Now your brother knows and besides your family. Now people are aware. Lilia, how, does that make you feel, with other people knowing, and it's your business, it's stuff that you have kept to yourself. So now there's people knowing something about you, whether it be family, friends, but mostly family.

[00:11:28] How does that make you feel? I mean, for me, I mean, I am the one that has to change. They can tell me to do this, but if I don't do it for myself, I'm not going to get better. I can't have my kids tell me, Oh, mom, this and that. Nope, you got to do it for yourself. If you want to be laid back and have people help you and feel sorry for you, it's not going to work.

[00:11:44] At least not for me. I did it myself. You know what? My neighbor, which her name was Kelly, at the home, she was like this and that. She was always crying because she couldn't do this, do that. Not me. I wouldn't even bother ringing the buzzer for the nurse. I'd go, you know, get your ass up. Do what you gotta do.

[00:11:59] Therapy's coming. You're going [00:12:00] to do your therapy and get your back on your feet. That's when I started using the walker, which was a lot better. I did my exercises. I got out of there and I was good. I mean, you know, once I got the help, which I needed, but that was a start. And so, as I'm listening to your story, Lilia, is that you kept things to yourself.

[00:12:17] Why do you think that you would not want to share with whether it be your family, maybe a close friend, um, even a doctor. I mean, you didn't reach out for assistance from anyone. What's going on there, Lilia? No, I mean, my kids, you know, I have my four kids and they all have their own families, but without the nurses at the home, I think I wouldn't do it anyways.

[00:12:41] What would you do anyways? I would get myself out. I mean, get out of my position I'm in with my walker and being in the home. If I don't do it for myself, who's going to help me? I mean, even though my kids are there, it doesn't mean anything. Like I said, they have their own family. But me, I go, you got to get your butt up and do what you got to do for you.

[00:12:56] When can you tell me, the first steps that [00:13:00] you took to start feeling better, even if they were small, Lilia. Was it when you were at the hospital or prior to that, you said, from the first time, then you have the second, the baptism, then the third time was, your work, and then when you were in your bedroom the fourth time.

[00:13:15] Of all those times, when was the first time you can say, okay, even though I haven't told anybody, I gotta start doing something for myself, or was it until you got to the rehabilitation? When I got to the rehabilitation, because even then I wasn't able to walk. I mean, barely, so what they even had to do, they had to use this device to take me to take a shower or get up.

[00:13:35] And I go, what? I don't want to do this. I go, I need to do this on my own. So that's when I realized the little machine that they help you off the bed. And again, I couldn't walk, so I was in a wheelchair. I go, no, no, no, I don't want to do this. I don't want nobody helping me. Like, even they would have to give me like diapers to help me because I really couldn't go to the bathroom because it was kind of far.

[00:13:54] So I go, wait a minute. I go, this is ridiculous. I could go to the bathroom myself, but I really couldn't because I needed to get my [00:14:00] legs going and my feet going, but that's really when it started, when I was at the home. That's when you started doing the small little steps. I got to start doing this for myself now.

[00:14:08] I'm not going to be in diapers. I'm not going to be, obviously you could not walk, correct? So at that point, did you do any exercise? Yeah. Did you follow the rehabilitation. The therapist will always be there to rehabilitate your legs and your knees, do your little exercises. So I did that always. Even when they couldn't come, I'd do it on my own.

[00:14:25] Cause they'd come like every other day to my bed. But I'd go, you know what, I'm gonna do this myself. I'd sit up and do what I gotta do. So even the nurses would tell me, "Oh, you're up already, you're sitting down." I go, "Yes." How did life start to feel different once you began to start moving forward? Because there was a point where you're stuck.

[00:14:46] Here's the first time, the second time, the third time, now the fourth time, now you're in a rehabilitation place and you're doing your little small steps, small steps to get moving forward. But when did you start feeling, is that the point when [00:15:00] you started feeling different once you began moving forward?

[00:15:02] You said, I can do this. Yes, I can. Yep. Where before, did you feel you couldn't do it? Exactly, exactly like they're gonna help you but if you don't help yourself who's gonna help you? I mean, they can help you but you gotta do it for you, you know, like you have to have like come on do it, you know. Your, your body. It's your future or whatever you're gonna do for your future. But yeah, I mean, yeah. And so do you think that if you had not been in that situation, if you had not gone to the rehabilitation center

[00:15:30] because of your fall. Let's say you did not fall. Would you have changed? Do you think you would have stood the same? I don't know if I would have stood the same. I think going to the home did help out. I don't know if I would have been different. Maybe I would, but they helped me out a lot. So that's why I just took the initiative to go ahead.

[00:15:46] And you know what, hurry up and get off this bed. Do what you gotta do. You opened your eyes. You're like, you cannot continue this. This is, this is hard. Yeah, and like, you know, even the people that were there, my friend Kelly, and there was another elderly that was there, but she was about 80. I was what, [00:16:00] 50, 50 something.

[00:16:01] I forgot how old I was. And I go, you're too young for this. Even though I'm not young, young, but still. And here's someone that's whose 80... Exactly. She, she was having problems. Yep. She had a knee, a hip replacement and like I said, my neighbor was unable to walk because I don't know what's wrong with her and you know, she was just too much negativity.

[00:16:17] But yeah, I had to do it for me. Lilia, if you could talk to someone, our audience here going through something similar, what would you want them to know? Cause you've been through a lot, Lilia. I mean, over the years, where you are today. What would you tell someone? If they were in a similar situation, what advice can you give them from your experience?

[00:16:40] Well, I mean, for me, if you don't do it for yourself, I don't know who you're going to do it for. You can do it for your kids, your husband, you got to do it for you, otherwise you won't go nowhere. People can lecture you, do this, do that, but if you don't do it for you, it's going to be you going downhill.

[00:16:56] And Lilia, so if someone was in a situation where [00:17:00] they have fallen. Let's say there's someone in the audience where they have fallen. Maybe it's once maybe twice What would you tell them right now? To help themselves out first, you know, be positive. If something's wrong with you, go to the doctor. If not, you know, have a friend help you. For me,

[00:17:15] I didn't have anybody helping because I could do it myself. I mean, I could do it myself cause look where I am now. I mean, it's a hard question to ask cause I did it for me. If you're not going to do it for you, and you're going to be a failure, then that's what you're going to be.

[00:17:27] You're going to be lying in the bed for the rest of your life. Or wheelchair the rest of your life. You don't want to walk, and you feel sorry for yourself. Did you feel sorry for yourself? No. I never did. But there was a part where you kind of like said, okay, you know, I'm not going to ask anybody for help. The only time I felt sorry for myself when I was living with my son, and I had COVID, but I didn't know I had COVID because I was just laying in bed.

[00:17:51] I just wanted to sleep and I didn't think much of it till my daughter Annette goes, you know what, I'm going to take her to the doctor. That day when she took me, this was like the second time, I already knew. [00:18:00] But when I went to the hospital the second time before I got admitted, I had COVID, which I didn't know until I got to the hospital.

[00:18:07] So that's why I started feeling sorry for myself when I was in bed. I'd go, get up, and I'd go, no, I don't want to. You didn't feel like getting up. Exactly. That was when you said, okay, I feel sorry for myself. I am not. Well, you didn't have to say it. No, yeah. But you were feeling bad for yourself. Well, you're not going to get up.

[00:18:20] I don't care. Having diabetes, that didn't help. I go, you know, whatever. I didn't think of it. But at that moment, you know, I didn't think of it. But till after I was in the hospital, I go, you know what, I felt sorry for myself. I was laying in bed, which I was. I was actually laying in bed on Thanksgiving. When they had Thanksgiving, I didn't get up.

[00:18:35] I have dinner with my son and the family, so that was like, okay, but that's the only time I really have felt bad for myself. Lilia, do you feel comfortable, I mean, obviously we're speaking right now, and you've never spoken to anyone about this. You had mentioned when we had started talking, and you explained all this to me, I didn't know about this, neither did your family.

[00:18:57] Mm. [00:19:00] Now that you're opening up a little bit and if there's anybody out there that is in a similar situation or in a situation where they may feel either lost or they may feel just bad in general. Do you feel better? I feel a lot better. I mean, you know, like I said, I did it for myself You know, even though I had my children, my grandkids and my sisters and brothers and mom and dad, don't matter you got to do it for you. You don't do it for you, I don't know what you're going to do. But I did it for me because it's my life and right now that I live by myself, I'm good.

[00:19:30] I mean, , I'm better. I get up and do exercises. I do what I got to do, even though I have my walker, it don't matter. I can still do what I got to do. Yes. Lilia, thank you for letting us into your story. It takes courage to share, and I believe your journey will speak to so many who may feel alone in their experiences.

[00:19:51] Thank you, Lilia, again. Thank you.

[00:19:57] Hearing stories like Lilia's [00:20:00] reminds us that we're not alone in facing our struggles. If her words inspired or comforted you, I hope you'll consider joining our community and sharing this episode with others who may need it. For those who might not know, Lilia is my younger sister, and having her here today was especially meaningful to me. But I want you to know that every story shared here holds deep meaning for me. I care so much about creating this space where each voice, yours, mine, and those of our guests, matters deeply and reminds us we're all in this together.

[00:20:50] If you're enjoying Growing Older Together, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with others who may connect with these stories. [00:21:00] Your support helps our community grow and ensures you won't miss future episodes. I'd also love to hear from you. If today's episode brought up any thoughts or memories you'd like to share, please feel free to reach out. My contact details are in the show notes, 

[00:21:20] and I look forward to hearing from you. 

[00:21:23] 

[00:21:23] Before I wrap up, in our next episode, Quiet Strength: The Power of Introverts, we'll explore the many ways introverts make a difference in the world. While everyone seeks energy in their own way, introverts often find it in quieter spaces, needing less outside stimulation, and preferring deep reflection. Join us as we look at the unique ways, introverts contribute to the world around us. Also the [00:22:00] next interview for Whispers of Regret is in about six to eight weeks, around the week of December 16th. I look forward to sharing another powerful journey as we continue creating space for women. Okay, that's it for today. Thank you for listening and being part of this community. Remember to take care, be kind to yourself, and know that facing our fears is the first step to finding our true strength. Let's continue growing older and wiser together. Happy Halloween. [00:23:00]